I had a rare day today, I was home by myself most of the day. Now when you have all this time on your hands, you think about things. You think about your life, what you have and don't have, before and after.  I have been hanging out with my best friend a lot lately, it got my thinking about how I am now and how I was 15 yrs ago.  Here are just some thoughts about this.

The Before: F.I.N.E,  fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. It comes from an Aerosmith song from the album Pump. My brain was in overload, raising kids, working my ass off, trying to have a social life.  I had some help, but not the support I needed. Needless to say I was a mess. With all messes, you have to clean it up.  I was a lousy house keeper back then, and I am not talking about my home. (my house could have used some help too) I was on a sinking ship and no rescue in sight. I had no choice but to drop ten yards and punt. Fly by the seat of my pants, take the hard road. How ever you want to put it. Easier said than done.  Where the hell was Aderall when I needed it? I had too many kids, too many bills, too many jobs, too little money, and no time for anything. What was a girl to do?  Just when I thought I was heading in the right direction, Blam, I would get hit in the face, shit I was rolled over by a truck, OKAY???????  I went a little nuts, Okay?  

The After: Not much has changed as far as working, and my house work. I have a husband for that.  He makes such a good wife. Oh and the kids have all moved out. I don't get hit by trucks anymore, I push my husband if front of them now. I'm still a bit nuts, but that is by choice now.  I like my music, I am an automotive diva when I am driving, and not as much road rage.  I don't expect too much, so I am never disappointed, saves time. I assume everyone is an asshole until they prove otherwise. This way I can hate them right from the start, so no disappointment. See the patterned developing here. Instead of yelling at someone I am pissed at, I just smile at them. It kinda makes people nervous when they don't know what that smirk is.  That's the fun part. When you get to the point, that if you assume you will be disappointed, you will be surprised when something good happens, Bonus!!!! It works for me.  


In the Middle:  Somewhere along the line, I lost what was left of my mind, and most of my family. I still had the kids but, things went south, to Florida. I came back, met my husband, moved back to Florida. yada yada yada.  You get the picture. Life was, shall we say, a bit of a challenge...... Okay dammit, I felt like a rat in a maze, and I didn't want the fucking cheese, I wanted out of the maze. Okay, now that I have laughed at myself, Please, Laugh at me everyone else does.